What NOT to say to parents of children with Special Needs

These are just a few things that I've heard that bug me. I will try to explain why


"My Child does that, too (or the same thing, etc)!"
        Your child may do something similar but please do not say this if you asked me for an explaination. I can garauntee, unless your child is undiagnosed, it's not the same. This statement just belittles what we deal with. Jeremy said he feels the same way

"5yr olds do that"
        Yes, they may do something kinda like it but if I'm describing an Aspie fit and you compare it to a 5yr old getting upset about coming inside, it's just an insult. Sorry but it is. It's like walking up to a Math Genius and saying you know Algebra, too.

"I'm Sorry" sometimes accompanied with a pity stare.
         Please don't. Does it suck that the world doesn't see my child as "perfect" or "normal?" Yeah, but that's not my fault. That's yours. He's perfect just the way he is. He's Hayden. He's a joy to all of his family. We take his Aspie-ness and limitations right along with his smiles and Haydenisms. We're cool.

"But he's so happy"
       This one, I don't get, but we hear it frequently. It's like people expect him to be miserable. He knows nothing else. Of course he's going to be happy as a clam.

"But he speaks so well"
       This one, I feel, comes from a lack of community education. You'd be amazed at how many people truly believe SN children or Autistic kids CAN'T talk. Dude! Some don't shut up! lol

“He looks so normal!”
             Again, I understand you’re trying to make me feel better. But telling me how great it is that Hayden seems like other kids implies that the best possible thing for him is to be “normal.” Thing is, he is his own kind of normal. I have no desire for Hayden to “pass” for a typical kid.

"God made you his mother because you're strong"
            This one just tickles me funny. It's like you're saying God gave other parents typical children because they are weak. Plus, ANY parent who loves their child would fight for their rights and needs. Rather it be a proper wheelchair or getting on the soccer team. We all do it. We all are strong for our kids. So really, God made us A mother because we are all strong.

"My child's needs are WORSE than yours"
           This is more for SN to SN parent. You'll be amazed how often phrases like these are tossed around. Seriously, I know my child is "mild" and High Functioning or not "medically fragile." That doesn't make his struggles any less of a struggle. I am well aware that there are MILLIONS of children out there with more needs than mine OR YOURS. I just don't need you to remind me of that.

"Did you hear about the vaccines?"
            Let me answer this for everyone. YES!! EVERY autistic parent has heard the vaccine debate. YES we all have our own opinions on it. NO I don't want to discuss it. And, to clarify, No I don't believe vaccines cause Autism.

Spoiled brat, Spankings, babying
           People say that about Aspies when they are out in public and act out. Not every child throwing a tantrum is doing it because they're spoil. Sometimes, public tantrums are because YOU are doing somethng wrong. He might have watched you put an apple back in the bin for oranges and walk away. Maybe you've let your newborn scream just a little bit too long and that put him into sensory overload. I'm not babying him. There's nothing wrong with a coddle or hug. Last I checked, Kids like these things. If he's upset, it is not necessary I beat him. Sometimes, a simple hug can calm down. And please, do not tell me to beat my child when you have no idea what's going on. Let me be the judge of the situation.

"Why are you spanking that poor boy in the wheelchair"
          This isn't usually said but it's a look. First off, he's not poor. Second, he's not dumb. He may not 100% understand everything but if I tell him to stop kicking and he smiles and sticks that leg out again, he'll get popped. MYOB, thank you :)

"I hope I don't have a kid like that"
         Trust me, hun, you won't. Only I can have my Hayden. :)

"Does he talk?"
          Ask him. Either he'll answer you or he won't. Either way he deserves to be talked to directly. Even children that are nonverbal love being talked to. Even nonverbal children can still make their feelings known with smiles, frowns, whines, yells of excitement, etc. Don't look over a child. They don't like it.

Autistic does not equal dumb
          You'll be amazed how many people act surprised that Hayden can read or do basic math and is in a typical class. He CAN learn. He just learns a bit differently. In fact, he's smarter than most of his class hee hee


And please, don't just stare. If you have a question, ask. Chances are, the parents don't mind answering. Just have some tact and consideration when you ask. Don't chase me down to ask about braces or stop me from leaving with a screaming kid to ask me why is he doing it. For most SN parents, we have no problem educating our experiences and trying to stop the misconceptions and assumptions about our kids. This education came help stop future bias for our kids. I want my child treated fairly, and I know that, for that to happen, I can't just close people off and avoid interaction. I also don't want my son feeling ashamed for his differences. His sister is getting old enough to realize he's "different." I don't want her thinking it's an area of embarassment. If you have a SN kid and want to know where I got a piece of equipment, ask. Chances are I love it and want to share it or I hate it and want to warn you. lol. Yes, I have had people ask me in grocery check out what Hayden's braces are for. Yes, I've had people ask where did we get his stroller/wheelchair. I don't mind. I have asked others questions as well. It's how we learn.



I'm sure some of my other friends that have SN kiddos can add in their own bits and experiences :)